The art of sleeping is something that I have always taken for granted, you lay in bed, shut your eyes, switch off from the day and bam you're well rested and it is morning!

Wait ... that is not an instinctual thing? I was taught to do this? Well my mum did a great job, when I asked her how she said something along the lines of "well you were never any trouble, we just laid you in your cot". Oh, so it is instinctual, or at least it was for me. Not for my son, he fights sleep, life is waaaaaaay too exciting, he cat naps during the day, very rarely in his cot and although he goes down fairly well at around 7pm most nights there is never any guarantee that he will not think that 2am-5am is an extra playtime.

Enter the world of sleep literature ... Pantley, Ferber, Weissbluth, Hogg ... the list goes on. Which method to choose? It depends essentially on your parenting style, do you want your child to learn to sleep painlessly without shedding a tear over a number of months or do you want to shut the door and walk away for three nights and let your child scream bloody murder? Then there is the reading material that says without crying it out they do not learn how to successfully self soothe and they will have issues when they go to school, but if you let them cry it out they will suffer with the feeling of abandonment their entire life. Oh and if you just keep getting up in the night with your baby and cuddling them until they are asleep they become dependent on that, but that is not the worst of it, no, the worst of it is that you spend those months of your life walking around like a zombie, forgetting things, making terrible decisions and not having the energy to actually teach your child to sleep and so making the vicious circle all the more vicious ... damn circle!!

This is where we are at. Ughhh. Six months of sleep deprivation, whoever decided to use it as a torture tool was a smart cookie - or a parent of a sleepless child and so understood the power of extreme exhaustion.

We had our six month check up a couple of days ago and my pediatrician happened to ask how the sleep was going. When I said not too good but I had made the rod for my own back and B had trained me rather than the other way round Dr G kindly pointed out that "you think it's hard now, in another year it will be worse when he is calling out your name". Oh crap. You mean we are not going to hit his six month birthday and he is not magically going to sleep through the night (this has been my very unrealistic, and yet very hopeful dream) you mean this could continue for a year or more? All the information from the books started flooding through my head ... do we cry it out? Do we pick up and put down? Do we take 10 months of gentle gentle? Then Dr G said it "do what you have to do. Don't pick him up but you can stay in the room, you know B better than anyone, he will cry a bit but make it as comfortable as you can for both of you". Decision made, put.the.books.away. The books have been stressing me out as much as the sleeplessness was, partly because the only chance I had to read them was when B was sleeping!! My life revolves around thoughts of sleep.

What is our plan of attack? We are going to go with the flow, we are going to try a number of things until we find something that works for us and our baby. Secretly I have my hopes pinned on the "crib soother" - a plastic fishtank that you strap onto the crib that has low light and movement ... I am believe that this is going to hypnotize him and all my problems will be solved at the touch of a button.

I have learnt many things whilst researching about sleep, the scientific facts were probably the most useful but the most important thing is that if ever you are looking to make a fortune create a product or book that you can market to sleep deprived parents and tell them it will solve their sleep issues, they will spend any amount of money if they think it will give them a chance to regain their nights of rest, and so their life. Our parents never had books, they did what felt intuitively correct to them and it seems to have worked. Wish me luck in my quest, I will keep you updated.

I have one last confession ... when B does sleep through the night there is a little bit of me that is going to miss him all warm and cuddled into me in the darkened room in the middle of the night listening to his breathing, there is something very special about that time.

Benjamin as a newborn sleeping in the lounge with everything going on around him

Fighting sleep, finding his sleep sack hysterical!

Midnight with daddy

A very rare moment when he fell asleep on me without nursing, I savoured every moment

Why have I decided to blog?

Life has changed so rapidly recently, and during a time of life that I am sleep deprived, and so I am worried that my memories are going to fade too rapidly. I don't want to forget this time, photos tell a story but I will never remember these thoughts ... I should have done it years ago though, I have never been good at remembering!

My memories sneak up on me at unusual times, usually triggered by a song.

Tonight I was in the car on my way to pick up some food for dinner, our fridge is empty as once again I have put off going to the store. Anyway, I had the radio on and first of all "Laid" by James came on - that brought back years and years worth of memories, probably from about 1994-2000. In bording school my closest friends and I always used to play air drums along with it. Then in about 1999 I saw the band live in concert, it was one of the best shows I have ever been to, they had received their first platinum record that day and were so pumped and excited, their energy was contagious. Until that song took me by surprise in the car I had forgotten that I had ever been to that show!

Then on the way back "Thank You" by Dido came on ... about 18 months ago we went to our very good friends wedding in Mexico and the bride walked down the beach to meet her husband to this song. It was fabulous, what a perfect song for a wedding, with the line - Thank you for making this the best day of my life. It really was a beautiful wedding and now whenever I hear the song it brings tears to my eyes.


Chad and I at the wedding in Mexico

Anyway, there is no soundtrack to this period of my life and I am so worried that I am going to forget those little moments: the way that it fills my heart with overwhelming love when I catch Chad smothering B's face with kisses and telling him how much he loves his little man; the way B giggles with anticipation when he is laying on his changing mat and I say "b, bbbb,b" as I am going towards his tummy, feet or cheek to blow a raspberry; the way B giggles uncontrollably when Chad tells Fred to "Get your toy" or the way the dogs have already started to pay attention when B gets into his highchair. The startle reflex is already becoming a distant memory that was never captured on film ... I miss that.

A little memory from today ... B got very involved in a very intellectual book:

Silence, well quietness at least

Recently I came downstairs after settling B into his cot for the night and the house was unusually quiet. C was working on the computer, but for once there was no tv or music to keep him company. The dogs were fed and quiet. It was amazing - I could think!

At that moment it struck me how uncommon it now is to have quietness within the house, there is usually music, maybe a jumperoo playing another tune, or at least just being jiggled around by a beautiful baby boy who is either chattering his own little language or blowing raspberries, dogs scampering around, the hum of a dishwasher or washing machine, the phone ringing, texts arriving or the ping of "you've got mail". With all this going on my brain is never able to switch off, there is a constant list of things to do and I am always multi-tasking, like so many others. But that moment of still and calm was precious, never have I appreciated it so much, that first sip of wine as I stood in the kitchen about to start cooking dinner was just fabulous.

I tried to re-create this tonight, C went out to see some friends, I stayed home to try and keep B on his bedtime schedule. A little bit of me was looking forward to having B in bed and the house, essentially, to myself. However, it was not the same. As I was upstairs settling B the dogs were unfed and restless downstairs barking at every little noise, unknowingly postponing their dinner further as they startled the baby and I had to start the process all over again. When I got downstairs if felt wrong ... empty. Then it struck me, it is the companionable silence with my husband that I love, knowing that he is there should I wish to tell a joke or relive a moment and being ready to listen to him, whilst at the same time sharing the knowledge that our baby boy is sleeping upstairs, that is what is so special, not necessarily the silence itself. As I realized this it made me remember some advice that we were given on our wedding night by one of my mum's friends, he said to C "On your wedding day everyone tells you how you should enjoy spending time together and all the things that you will do hand in hand throughout the rest of your life, but my advice is that you sometimes go to your own parts of the house but rest in the knowledge and comfort that your loved one is just on the other side of the wall". Never before have I understood that advice so well.

B & F share a rare moment of calm

T-Shirts and Tulips

This week I have seen the tulip bulbs sprouting in the garden and I have taken our dogs for a walk without a coat, it honestly feels like spring has eventually sprung.

There is nothing like a bit of warm weather and sunshine to lift ones spirits. Being able to go outside without bundling into 15 layers of clothing first.

This winter has been different to others due to the fact that our baby boy was born at the end of September, so we have been trapped inside more often. I think that even he is bored of our walls though, kicking and smiling as soon as the sunlight hits his face, and staring off at the trees moving in the breeze. This is a far cry from the snow storms that we have experienced this year, where our pug would "swim" through the snow, as his little legs could not hit the ground.

R on a walk after a large snow storm

I am so excited to get the pushchair out, without being worried about slipping on ice or having to push it through piles of snow on the sidewalk, when people have not shoveled in front of their homes. The trees are still bare, but the grass is starting to green up, bringing that element of hope to each day, knowing that very soon there will be colors to look at again, my son will be in shorts and a t-shirt and not a winter bear outfit!

mum came to visit and loved pushing B down the street whilst enjoying the fresh air

B enjoying the sun on his face

Life is good right now, this is my favorite time of year, the expectation of color returning and being able to spend time outside with friends and family. This time last year my husband, C, and I were working in the garden and we said "this time next year we will have a little one with us, maybe playing on a rug out here or sleeping upstairs in the nursery" - that was a strange day, that was the first time that I really accepted the fact that I was pregnant and at the end of the pregnancy there was going to be a baby!!

That baby is upstairs in his nursery and I can hear him chatting to himself, he must have just woken up, it is time to go and get him and see that beautiful smile that he gives as you go into his room ... he looks at you as though you are the most fantastic person in the world.